Soul Matters – April 2019

“Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.” ~Joseph Campbell

Pop Quiz: A big rock drops in the middle of your life—illness, loss, divorce, financial trouble. Do you view it as:

  1. A) An obstacle, a random blow of misfortune?

or, B) An opportunity, a part of your path?

Your answer to this question is all important, because it will determine the quality of your life. It will dictate how happy or unhappy you will be. It will dictate whether you thrive or simply survive.

My family of origin was firmly ensconced in the surviving unhappily camp. They were obstacalists; the unspoken subtext was, “Where you stumble, there lies your curse.” Difficulties were seen as wrong, bad, stupid, and unfair. I inherited this tendency but fortunately, I wandered over to the opportunity camp. That decision was life changing.

A study done at Northwestern University revealed that the perception of obstacle or opportunity has far-reaching implications. In her book Quiet, author Susan Cain cites the study’s findings:

“The way we characterize our past setbacks profoundly influences how satisfied we are with our current lives. Unhappy people tend to see setbacks as contaminants that ruined an otherwise good thing … while generative adults see them as blessings in disguise .… Those who live the most fully realized lives—giving back to their families, societies, and ultimately themselves—tend to find meaning in their obstacles.”

In other words, there is a direct correlation between finding meaning in your difficulty and having a happy, vital life. Staying open to meaning allows a larger storyline to emerge; instead of “this terrible thing happened and it sucks —the end,” you have a much juicier story that actually goes somewhere. It’s a big story with more chapters, more adventures and a surprise ending. And this “story,” gentle reader, is nothing less than your life.

Seeing challenges as opportunities is not being a Pollyanna; you still acknowledge your pain, loss, illness, or struggle while remaining open to its inherent value. “In the midst of darkness,” Ghandi said, “light persists.” An obstacalist is blind to this light. Those who are open to opportunity look for it.

In January of 1997, a few weeks after my husband was killed, I sat in the GoodBean writing in my journal. I was completely devastated, my brokenness and sorrow beyond consolation. But I finished my journal entry with the words, “Something good must come of this.” It was both an imperative and a belief. Nothing this big could be meaningless. Over time, that “something good” did unfold, and in multiple and unimaginable ways.

The way we deal with big fat rocks is up to us. We can stop in defeat or we can go in a new direction—a direction we wouldn’t have gone otherwise, finding treasure we didn’t even know was there. It doesn’t mean you don’t hurt and it doesn’t mean you understand it all immediately, but staying open to the possibilities will help you be a much happier camper.

KATE INGRAM, MA, is a grief coach, counselor, reformed obstacalist and award-winning author who offers support and guidance for the journey. Find out more at katherineingram.com.