The “Review” recently caught up with a very busy Kate Ingram, author of our wildly-popular column, “Soul Matters,” to find out more about her newest book, “Grief Girls Guide.” The book represents a continuation of her life’s work of helping people navigate and grow through the tough stuff of life. Here, she boldly and expertly deconstructs what for many people is an uncomfortable, even taboo subject: Grief. Part self-help, part modern manifesto for the power and value of this misunderstood emotion, “Grief Girl” is a real-world guide not just for healing, but for discovering something bigger on the other side.
What inspired you to write this book?
My clients were my initial inspiration. I was sharing the same ideas over and over and I thought, “Wouldn’t it be great if I put all this in a book?” because it was clear that some basic wisdom around loss and grief had somehow been lost in our culture. This cultural deficit became a larger inspiration.
Grief has a bad rap in this country. People are very uncomfortable and fearful with it.
No one knows what to do or say, and that’s a direct result of our society’s penchant for labeling everything that’s emotionally complex or difficult as “bad” and therefore unnecessary. It’s not. Grief is absolutely necessary and it’s good. Grief Girl shows you why.
You’ve written two other books about grief: how did you choose grief as a central topic of your work?
I didn’t choose grief as much as grief chose me. I had a lot of early and profound experiences with grief. Those struggles, combined with my study of psychology and spirituality, led me rather naturally to talking not just about loss, but the opportunity to transform through trauma. Initially, I tried to run away from grief. I didn’t want to be “Grief Girl.” But once I saw that it wasn’t just about grief but about transformation, everything shifted. Grief Girl isn’t sad: she’s empowered. The pain we embrace becomes our strength.
What are the central themes of Grief Girl?
There are really two themes. The first is that grief is not something to be avoided or feared. Grief is the flipside of love. It is a normal, healthy expression of loss.
The second theme is that there’s more to grief than getting through it. Grief connects us to our hearts, to others, and to the transcendent, however you conceive of that. It’s what makes us the kind of people that can make a true and positive difference. It can lead you to your purpose. It is a catalyst for compassionate action in the world. It’s huge.
How does your book differ from other books on grief?
Grief Girl is unique in two big ways. The first is its tone and presentation. There are lots of books on grief that talk about the stages of grief or come from a religious point of view. I wanted to offer something fresh: something very down-to-earth, personal and inviting. Grief Girl is intimate, relaxed and conversational. I share my own experiences. I normalize and help readers through the dark and difficult process that is grief and offer very practical guidance. But the most important difference is the emphasis throughout the book that your grief will take you somewhere new and positive. It’s not just about getting through the pain: it’s about what awaits you on the other side.
Who is this book for? Is it only for those who have lost a loved one?
Absolutely not! Grief comes from all sorts of loss: divorce, illness, trauma, retirement, empty nest, moving, a major injury. While I’m primarily addressing the experience of physical death, the principles and possibilities in the book apply to any loss.
For example, there is so much loss and grief being generated right now with the pandemic, with the socio-political traumas going on, with natural disasters. Unfortunately, people aren’t recognizing or responding to the grief this is generating: Instead, they’re slipping into fear and anger.
What is your hope for this book?
My biggest hope is that this book will help change the way people think about grief. I hope it will lift the fear and shame and empower readers to embrace their grief, knowing that it will not only help them to heal, but that it will lead to a bigger, deeper, more meaningful life. I also hope Oprah will read it, love it, and ask me on Super Soul Sunday.
KATE INGRAM, MA (aka “Grief Girl”), is an award-winning author, counselor and life transitions coach. To make an appointment, purchase a book, or share Oprah’s personal email address, please go to katherineingram.com.