The moment I learned we would be blessed with a second son, my head was filled with ideas of BFF’s, unconditional brotherly love and the harmonious laughter of happy children. My awakening came only months after my bundle of joy arrived, when I asked myself, “Why didn’t anyone suggest a black and white jersey with a whistle for the baby registry?!” I thought there was something wrong with us. Why couldn’t our family get along? My husband and I tried keeping peace and love abundant; we were diligent, committed, patient and firm…but their resolve was stronger!

Needless to say, as many loving and caring parents often do, we turned to therapy, parenting books and alcohol! Seriously, we did some research and learned that when parents get involved too much, children learn they need someone else to resolve their problems; which implies they are not capable of managing issues themselves. We held a family meeting and reminded everyone that children need to practice life skills with one another. At home is where we begin to teach them how to be the best people they can be, to be successful and, most importantly, satisfied in life. Now it’s time to go to work!

We established a new protocol in our home: Unless we see it or hear it and so long as life or limb has not been threatened, we stay out of it! Should they not be able to compromise, all parties involved go to separate spaces. The child that did the wrong needs time to think about what they did and the child that was wronged needs to calm down; regardless, everyone stays put until all individuals are ready to amicably resolve the situation.

Here’s how it works: Kids – Tempers rise. Parents – Stay calm, acknowledge there’s a disturbance in the force, suggest they sort out the issue. Kid – Tempers and yelling escalate; they grasp for reinforcement, “Mom! Johnny’s cheating!” Parents – ”Is any one in danger?” Kids – ”He won’t let me take my turn!” Parents – ”Work it out.” Kids – Continue fighting. Parents – ”Time for separate spaces.” When one child says they want to talk, ask the other(s) if they are ready. If they’re not, everyone remains where they are until all participants are ready to come to the negotiating table. Parents – Let them discuss the issue, intervene as little as possible. Should the participants become stubborn in their positions give them a time limit and resort to “aggressive negotiations” if necessary, (this means the loss of privileges and/or things for everyone if the conflict is not resolved by a set deadline; light saber is optional).
We implemented this strategy in our home and noticed the children began communicating and negotiating right away. For example: After a particularly challenging day, where various circumstances lead to 3-5 trips to separate spaces (honestly, I lost count!), my youngest says he’s ready to work it out. Their conversation: Youngest, “Ready to get over this?” Oldest, “I don’t know.” Youngest, “I’m tired of being in my room!” Oldest, “Yeah, let’s say sorry so we can go outside.” Youngest, “Ok…we’ll say we’re sorry so we can get out of here, but we can still hate each other, right?” Oldest, “Of course!”

Success! They are negotiating! So, it’s a work in progress!

This technique works for children at a certain level of maturity, generally reached around age five. Toddlers still need help understanding their emotions and how to manage them. Keep in mind siblings don’t have to actually like one another. Sharing genes or a roof doesn’t automatically mean personalities will mesh harmoniously. But they must respect each other’s feelings and be considerate towards the entire family.

For more information on sibling rivalry, and conflict resolution tips check out The Big Book of Parenting Solutions: 101 Answers, by Michelle Borbra.

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