It’s the time of year when falling leaves turn into snowflakes, pumpkin spices fill the air and we expect large groups of people, at various ages and stages, with different morals, values and aspirations, who share DNA or a marriage certificate, to come together and be joyful. It’s time for highly-anticipated, always underestimated, never a dull moment, Holiday Family Gatherings!

Most family members are kind, loving, agreeable and tolerant; but there are the haters! Every family has at least one, two or five. You know the ones: who are angry, spiteful and jaded and want everyone to know it. So they passive aggressively unload their issues in an effort to help you identify with their misery and feel crappy about your own happy life.

As I considered my own 2011 Holiday Season, I couldn’t help recalling the dramatic issues I’ve personally had to deal with over the years and I started to feel anxiety about spending time with people who can be so difficult. I wondered if it would be inappropriate to make a call or send an invite to those special someones saying, “Hey So-and-so, can you bring your fabulous Waldorf salad but leave your nasty attitude at home?”

Then I thought about all the advances in science/medicine: We can send humans to the moon, although we no longer choose to; we can shop at home; call anybody from virtually anywhere; doctors can cure many of the diseases that cause pain, misery and death. Why can’t they come up with something to identify the crazy family member or at least vaccinate the rest of us from the drama? OH! That’s right! There is an inoculation for family occasions – Whiskey!

But how about something more fool-proof? Maybe a detection device of sorts, like a scanner or Geiger counter that alerts and identifies crazy drama at the door.

It could work like this: Wand guest at the door;

Device – Whoop, Whoop, Whoop. “You’re clear Grandpa! Should be a good time this year; be sure to try the sweet potatoes!”
Device: Anngk, Anngk, Annnnngk. “Sorry, Aunt Sophie, you’re registering just a bit too dramatic, you’ll have to sit this one out. But work on it and try again next year. Here’s your parting gift,” a slice of pumpkin pie. “No hard feelings!”
Or what about a Grudge-O-Meter?

Scan guest at the door:

Green light flashes, “Welcome!”
Red light flashes, “Sorry Uncle Dave, you’re still angry at a third of the family for not visiting you in the hospital after your bypass surgery. This is as far as you’ll be going. Here’s your pie, its cholesterol-free.”

Seriously what can you do?

Throw back two fingers of Wild Turkey, the liquid kind, take a deep breath and accept. The bottom line is that families rarely all get along. In fact, if yours does it’s not normal. Call Guinness and submit yourselves while the rest of us call the Briar Ridge Mental Hospital in an effort to commit ourselves, just for the holidays! Accept that until genetic altering becomes more precise, some things will never change. You may always have to deal with Uncle Irv fondling the Jell-O mold; your brother throwing dinner rolls as he chuckles, “You did say PASS the rolls!”; Dad and Uncle Rick snoring on the couch, sounding like dueling banjos; Your sister-in-law insisting her kids are so much better than everyone else’s; Aunt June unloading her prescription bottles and discussing all the intimate ailments they are connected with; and cousin Natalie, the over-indulging, over-praising niece with the three screaming, ill-mannered kids, all of which are under age seven, (you know what she’s getting this year for Christmas right? A copy of Nurture Shock!).

So grab a few normal family members and start a gambling pool: Who will be the first to get drunk, offended or leave? Which parent is going to lose it first and go off? Who will announce an engagement, divorce or pregnancy? Will Grandad roll in this year with or without pants on, (I’ve got $5 on no pants!)? And just enjoy your family!

However you choose to handle your family drama, I pray you find your own recipe for success and are able to avoid reaching into the golden Cornucopia of family discord. Remember they are by birthright your guide to judge yourself from, so take great satisfaction and relief in knowing that you are not as crazy, neurotic or narcissistic as they are. After all, no one really has a Norman Rockwell family gathering and besides it doesn’t have to happen again for another whole….month!

Dedicated to my wonderful, crazy, drama-loving family and friends: Happy Holidays! Love to all!

Please email your questions, ideas, advice and stories to familyviews@ymail.com or visit www.familyviews.blog.com. Be assured anonymity is absolute!