A Few Minutes with the Mayor – March 2020

A few days ago, I was watching the news on television. There were two anchors on camera and the longer they talked the more I began to see them as two bottles of vinegar. Their words, their countenance, their every vocal inflection, were lacking any warmth or joy. Turning the volume down, I closed my eyes and soon found myself somewhere between the land of dreams and the land of wakefulness.

Then it happened. Suddenly I found myself in the Oval Office of the White House fielding questions from an angry press. The two bottles of vinegar were now forty bottles and all were pointing squarely at me.

One shouted out, “Why are you so nasty?” Another asked, “Do you even care about anyone else other than yourself?” The questions came one on top of the other without anyone waiting for an answer. I tried to speak but they kept right on interrupting. Finally, one voice said, “Drown him in vinegar.” I ran out the door to escape their onslaught.

I ran as far as the Cabinet Room where upon entering I was greeted by a White House secretary. “Mr. President, we’ve been asked by a citizen why you don’t work with a budget in your spending. I took the liberty of telling them that Congress hasn’t passed a new budget in quite some time.”

I answered, “I’m not the President. I’m the Mayor of Jacksonville and we have a budget… it’s the law!”

The secretary smiled and speaking as to a child said, “Whatever you say Mr. President, but you know Congress has ignored the law about budgets for years.” With that, I rushed out of the room, traveled down the corridor and entered the Situation Room where I found another secretary busy at a computer.

“Oh! Hello Mr. President! If you’re here to ask about those missing emails, we’re still searching.” By now I began thinking, “Everybody thinks I’m the President. Why? I don’t look like him.” But I answered, “The law says all emails within the government belong to the government. Why can’t we find them?”

Frowning, the secretary replied, “We think they were sent to Ukraine but we can’t be sure because someone smashed our original laptops with a hammer. Some people are blaming you.”

I replied, “Well I’m not the President. I’m the Mayor of Jacksonville.” And I stalked out of the room.

Looking down the hallway, I saw a sign over a door that said Chocolate Shop. Feeling hungry I decided to enter. Several men, all wearing chef’s hats, were sitting at a table sampling chocolate desserts. “Oh, good!” I said. “May I join you. I’m terribly hungry.”

The head chef, the one with the biggest hat, smiled and beckoned me in. “Of course… come in… come in. What would you like? We have chocolate hamburgers or perhaps a chocolate dessert?

But first you have to answer a riddle.”

Sitting down at their table I agreed saying, “I love riddles.”

The head chef spoke. “Good! Now answer this. Why is a congressman like the Pope? Answer the riddle and we’ll feed you.”

After thinking for a moment I replied, “But I don’t have the answer.”

“My, but you are a stupid President.” he shouted. “The answer is… they both pontificate.”

In a loud voice I said, “I may be stupid, but I’m not the President. I’m the Mayor of Jacksonville and I think you’re rude.”

“Who asked you?” he answered. “We didn’t even invite you to this party. You’re the worst President we’ve ever had.” Then he started to tear up his recipes.

“I’m the Mayor of Jacksonville.” I shouted louder this time.

Then all the chefs stood up screaming, “You’re a liar. You’re the President. With that their hats rose in the air in a great swirl and I fell unconscious, only to wake up seeing the same two anchors hosting their newscast. Rubbing my eyes, I sighed, “I’m glad it was only a dream!”