Soul Matters – July 2019

“It is what it is.”

My husband introduced me to this phrase. He uses it all the time and to be honest, it used to annoy the bejesus out of me. I’d get all snarky and retort, “What does that mean? It means nothing!

And then what often happens, happened. I began overhearing myself using this aphorism (to my husband’s great glee) and I realized that far from being a glib toss-off, the wisdom of these words is profound.

Taoist philosophy, which dates back thousands of years, teaches that seeing and accepting things as they are—without resisting or trying to change them—is the way of wisdom, peace and power. (The word “Tao” literally means “way.”) When we resist what “is” we block Life’s natural flow. That resistance is the source of all unhappiness. This applies whether you are resisting something serious (like illness or loss), or mundane.

To wit: A few years ago I got a new puppy, Baci. I had big plans for Baci. He was going to be a therapy dog. But as fate would have it, Baci is an extremely reserved dog, tentative around people and other animals. At first I was irritated. I tried to reform him. When all my efforts failed, I wanted to return him. He embarrassed me. He frustrated me. I saw only his shortcomings. And then, one day, I took a long look at myself and said, “Kate, he is who he is. You need to accept him just as he is.” And I did. Almost immediately, all my resistance, frustration and tension melted away and I saw him for the sweet, shy, quirky little guy that he is.

Accepting that “it is what it is” doesn’t mean that all of a sudden everything’s hunky dory or that you are admitting defeat: it simply means that you don’t resist the situation. When clients come to me deeply consternated by their grief, for example, one of the first things I do is encourage them to really have it, because grief is an important part of the natural flow of life and love and loss. By not resisting their grief, it can flow and they can heal.

And it’s all about flow. Flowing is how the magic happens. When you accept things as they are rather than as you would have them be, you flow with Life rather than resisting it. You accept your dog’s quirks. You accept your illness or your loss. You don’t waste precious time and energy freaking out, denying, or fruitlessly trying to make it different. And then, as you flow without resistance, new possibilities and awarenesses arise, the way appears, and you can move ahead with ease and grace. The Taoists call this wu wei, effortless effort. It’s good stuff.

Speaking of good stuff, Baci is, as I write, lying beside me on the chaise lounge, watching the birds and happily shredding a used Kleenex.

It appears I got my therapy dog after all.

KATE INGRAM, MA, is an award-winning author, coach, and resistance fighter. Find out more at katherineingram.com.