Soul Matters – August 2021

Pop Quiz: Do you have a tendency to any of the following?

  • Procrastination
  • Perfectionism
  • Proving Yourself
  • People Pleasing
  • Passive Behaviors
  • Paralysis

If you answered none of the above, you are either A) not being very honest with yourself, or B) you are a highly evolved being who has come to this planet to help us save ourselves and I thank you. If, however, you identify with one or two of the behaviors listed above, I have something to share which may both surprise and intrigue you.

These “Six P’s” are not bad habits or character defects or even personality traits. They are actually highly-sophisticated protective mechanisms whose primary purpose is to protect you from being hurt.

Here’s how it works.

We all have a very clever, subtle and active inner “Protector” whose sole r’aison d’être is to keep us safe from emotional pain (e.g. rejection, judgment, disappointment, failure or conflict). It does this by relating past painful experiences to current situations; if it detects a risk of a familiar hurt, it will deploy a defensive strategy to keep us from that risk. Those defensive strategies are the Six P’s: procrastination, proving, pleasing, passivity, paralysis and perfectionism. It’s a brilliant, mostly unconscious way of keeping us “safe” (even though it doesn’t, but don’t tell the Protector that).

I saw my Protector emerge recently as I was preparing to speak at a conference. In the weeks leading up to the event, I noticed myself procrastinating, something I normally never do. My anxiety ramped up and I wondered what the heck my problem was. What had happened was an alarm had been activated around “performing” in front of an audience. As I explored this, a memory surfaced of being ridiculed and judged by someone way back in elementary school. That event was humiliating and painful, and my protector did not forget. It was trying to help me, although in actuality, it was doing anything but.

It’s a natural and important function of the human brain to protect us from pain, be it physical or emotional; survival means we need to learn and adapt. Unfortunately, when it comes to emotional pain, our protective strategies are often maladaptive—even destructive. The Protector, while well-meaning, tends to be overzealous. It can wind up keeping us from the very things we want and need: love, joy, success, and belonging. It can hem us in and dampen our spirit, encouraging us either to “play small” or “do it all.” It keeps us from believing-in, trusting, valuing and loving ourselves.

The good news is that all it takes is a little awareness and a bit of courage to begin to soften the protective armor. Self-Belief Coaching is a fabulous way to begin to shift the narrative that keeps you from success, love, and possibility. It provides tools and insight to help you break out of limiting patterns and get unstuck, all while increasing your self-compassion and quieting that inner critic.

If you’re ready to trade in your particular “P” for two, much better ones—Peace and Possibility— it’s time to take the wheel and give your Protector a well-deserved rest. It’s easier and quicker than you might think.