Soul Matters – September 2020

This month, in light of the current state of this crazy country and world we find ourselves in, I thought I’d share a little excerpt from my new book, “Grief Girl’s Guide.” I have abbreviated and altered it ever-so-slightly from it’s focus on grief to speak to the turmoil many of us feel in the midst of the pandemic and the political divisiveness it has exacerbated. The promise it contains is potent. As the Dalai Lama said, “Love is the absence of judgment.” The reverse is equally true: Judgment is the absence of love.

“There is a mantra I love that can help enormously with this process we call Life. I saw it written on a whiteboard in a yoga class one day and I have adopted it as one of my Core Principles for Living. Here it is:

AWARENESS + NON-JUDGMENT = TRANSFORMATION

This little formula is the key for creating a bigger, happier, more conscious, compassionate, peaceful, interesting life, and who doesn’t want that? Think of The Equation as the paddle you can carry with you as you flow through Life; a paddle that will help you to dislodge yourself from sticky spots, avoid big rocks, and navigate the rapids more deftly.

The concepts of awareness and non-judgment are very straightforward. Awareness means that you notice what you are feeling, what’s going on. Non-judgment means that you resist the urge to label what you see, hear or feel as good or bad. Instead, you might label it as “interesting,” because it no doubt is.

You might find, in trying this out, that refraining from judgment is no easy feat. You may, in fact, be shocked to discover that Judge Judy has taken up residence in your brain. I know that after I saw this formula and became more aware of my thoughts and words, I was downright horrified to discover just how much I judged everything, including and especially myself. (Also certain political leanings and the generalized lack of social graces demonstrated on a daily basis.)

What you are doing, when you practice The Equation, is separating out what’s happening from your thoughts about what’s happening. These are two different things.

This differentiation is really important, and here’s why: Once you judge something, you shut it down. You have labeled it and put it in a little box and there is nothing more to be done with it. Moreover, you have also shut yourself down. You no longer have curiosity or awareness of any other thoughts or inspirations that might be available to you. In the absence of judgment, however, new and helpful understanding can arise. This is one of the fundamental reasons that counseling works. Being interested in something without judging it allows meaning to emerge, and everything is meaningful, even if that meaning isn’t readily apparent.

Transformation is inevitable if you practice this little piece of mental jujitsu I am calling The Equation because you are breaking a habitual, automatic pattern of reactivity. The very act of doing something different—even something so seemingly small as noticing your thoughts/feelings/behaviors without judgment—is incredibly transformative, because it moves you from unconscious reactivity to conscious awareness. In essence, practicing The Equation is giving the ego a little time out on the naughty step where it can take some time to reflect and think about its bad behavior. Once the ego is quieted for a moment, you are more likely and able to hear the voice of your higher Self, your soul. (Remember the adage, “Nature abhors a vacuum?” Where there is space, it will be filled. So much better to have it filled by your soul and not your ego.) And once you begin to tune in to your calm, wise inner voice, you become bigger. You begin to change. You transform.

This transformation of becoming more conscious gives you greater freedom and power to make thoughtful, insightful choices. Where the ego judges things immediately and constantly, fearfully trying to control everything by limiting and labeling, awareness and non-judgment expand and open you to more possibilities, even revelation. Said more succinctly, fear contracts, love expands.”

KATE INGRAM, MA, is an award winning author, grief counselor and life transitions coach. Her newest, awesome book, “Grief Girl’s Guide: How to Grieve, Why You Should, and What’s In It for You,” is available now at amazon.com or through the author. Find out more at www.katherineingram.com.