Family Views, June 2014

Independent, proactive, tenacious, innovative, adventurous, courageous, energetic, creative, spontaneous, curious, confident, persistent; all essential qualities for an entrepreneur or business mogul. They’re also virtues that we seek for ourselves and appreciate in others; unless the others are children. In that case, we might use hyperactive, obstinate, defiant, difficult, bratty, bad, obnoxious, rotten, spoiled, troubled, insufferable, ADD or ADHD kid. This is sure to be followed-up by a choice description or label for the parents; something like naïve, over-indulgent, or delusional. I say it’s all relative.

My youngest son was, and continues to demonstrate many of the above qualities; the list you choose from depends on your perspective. Today, I see him as an energetic, independent, confident and curious little boy; however, this has not always been the case. I often share the Hot Stove Experience when I try to explain his personality…

When he was almost three, he was lingering underfoot as I cooked dinner. Like a good mother, I gave him the standard warning, “The stove is hot… it will burn you.” He decided to test my knowledge and patience by pointing to different areas on the stove and asked, “Here or here? What about over here?”

I took a step back and looked at my son. I wondered, what could be going through his mind? I knew based on my education and experience with children that he wanted to please me. I could see it in those giant blue eyes staring up at me that he was conflicted over whether he should listen to me or indulge his own curiosity. What was I going to do with this kid? Clearly, I needed another approach or this eighteen-year long journey was not going to end pleasantly for either of us! I hypothesized that he needed to have experiences for himself before he could trust what I say is valid and real.

After a brief moment of consideration, I decided to launch an impromptu experiment, based on reverse psychology. I got on his level and I explained once again, as best as I possibly could that if he touched the hot stove, it would burn him, it would hurt very badly and we may have to go to the doctor to get it taken care of. I then asked, “Do you still feel like you need to touch it and learn for yourself?” With those earnest, wide eyes locked on mine he slowly shook his head “yes.” I thought, “Expletive! Now what do I do?!” My mind raced, I had to do/say something meaningful/valuable while I still had his attention. Obviously explanations and, “No, because I said so!” does not work for this kid!

I couldn’t believe what I did next, I said, “Let’s do it.” Together we ran our hands over the GE range. Beginning with the cool spots, we made our way to the warmer top surface. When we approached the hotter areas, I pulled away dramatically and said, “Ouch! Hot!” His hands stopped where I left mine, he looked at me intrigued and proceeded towards the burner. Inside I was screaming “NO!” With muscles tense, ready to snatch him away as he held his hand just centimeters above the red-hot burner. I thought, oh my goodness, my kid is psychotic and I just encouraged it! I’m going straight to hell after I get out of jail. Then, to my relief, he pulled his hand back and said, “Yep, it’s hot!”

Michelle Hensman

Michelle Hensman

My son learned the stove is indeed hot, I learned that my little boy is a doer and experiences drive him. Once I accepted that he mentally and physically needed to do things on his own, I began to appreciate and respect him so much more. As parents, we hope that our children will one-day posses all those positive virtues. What we need to realize is that some children are actually born with them, they’ve just been mislabeled. They simply need to be relabeled, guided and nurtured.

Posted May 30, 2014