Soul Matters – August 2019

One of the (few) perks of getting older is having a longer view of life. Being a newly-minted mother of two teens, I’m remembering just how inwardly awkward and stressful adolescence is. Figuring out who you are and how to navigate life is rough on rats. And parents.

But the difficulty doesn’t end with puberty. Based on what I hear from clients, friends, and the little voices in my own head, it’s clear that the Sturm und Drang of adolescence never really ends. We’re always struggling to figure it out and find our way. We’re all insecure. We all worry too much. We all try too hard and think way to much about stuff that A) is total B.S. or B) doesn’t matter.

There are a few lessons I wish I’d mastered back in high school that would’ve made life a whole lot easier and happier: things I tell my children, whether or not they listen; things I still need to remind myself of every other day.

Stop Taking Everything Personally–—Every person has a Shakespearian drama going on inside them, complete with backstory, conflict, suffering, mix- ups, fear, love—the whole enchilada. And most people act out tahis drama unconsciously. We unwittingly walk into someone’s drama and then take the popcorn they throw at us personally. It’s not. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: What someone says or does is not about you: it’s about them.

Stop Believing That You’re Not Enough—Everything you need to be successful is already inside of you. You were born with “enough.” You are enough. Your job is to trust this, to be big and bold and brave, because someone out there needs exactly what you bring. So drop the perfectionism and the doubt and bring it.

Stop Focusing on What You Don’t Want—I’m terrible with this. I learned early in life to fixate on what’s not working, what I don’t want, and what I hate or fear. The problem is that what you focus on increases. Focus on what you DO want, and you will create more of that. Where attention goes, energy flows, so choose your thoughts carefully.

Stop Thinking About Yourself—Our culture has become incredibly narcissistic. The era of selfies, small screens and toxic consumerism is choking-out meaningful connection and deep relationship. True meaning, purpose and joy are found in only in connecting with other sentient beings, with Nature and with Spirit. Focusing on these “Three, not me” is the antidote to feeling small, lonely, empty, anxious, depressed, and chronically unhappy.

Stop Trying to Be Somebody and Be Yourself—Speaking of happy, if you really want to be relaxed and happy, stop trying to be cool, smart, hip, clever, “successful” and politically correct. That’s still focusing on “fitting in.” The only solid footing in life is found in being exactly, humbly, honestly who you are, warts and all. And when you share this wonderful, warty self with the world, you’ll find true happiness and connection, because being real is über sexy.

KATE INGRAM, MA, is a life transitions coach, counselor and award-winning author. To book a session or to learn more, go to katherineingram.com.