Spanking is a highly charged, controversial form of discipline. Family and friends have a way of making you feel like if you don’t spank you are a weak, pathetic, over indulgent pushover and if you do you’re an angry, aggressive, control freak! It’s easy for people outside the situation to Monday morning quarterback your child’s meltdown. But you’re the only one who knows all the intricate, carefully balanced inner workings of your child.

Let’s be clear here before any email protests may ensue – when I use the term spank I mean a swift pop to the pudgy back side, with a bare hand, not repeated blows with props. I believe each parent should act with their child’s best interest at heart. I do not condone abuse or violence against children at any time for any reason. The following is a personal experience and a personal family choice.

Many parents think of spanking as a time honored and true classical conditioning method: A child disregards rules and warnings, they are disobedient, (the stimulus), the parent implements a painful spank, (the response), in an effort to teach the child their actions were inappropriate and they should make a different choice the next time. However, studies of family’s who spank vs. those who don’t have proven that such punishment offers a short term solution to a long term problem. What does that mean?! It means be firm, persistent and most of all patient my young padawan learner!

I was spanked and turned out fine; this is the logic most of us spankers choose to use. I was naive when we started our family, I didn’t know about studies or research on discipline. I just thought everyone spanked their kids when they got out of line. My brother and best friend spank their kids and they are fabulously well-adjusted, respectful children that understand rules and consequences. Therefore, I expected to spank my own children. However, when I had my first child I was thrown for a bit of a loop…I didn’t have to spank him, he was an easy child.

An easy child is defined as generally happy, open to change and able to maintain a routine; which is 40% of the population. Discipline for him was as simple as a discussion or taking away a favorite activity or toy. Our second son was not so simple. His temperament was difficult which is defined as “generally reacts with intensity and negatively, has difficulty with routine and new experiences;” 10% of children fall into this category. I read every parenting book at Barnes and Noble, (to include Infants & Children by Laura Berk whose book helped me with the above facts). I tried every idea/technique they suggested, all with little or no success. I sought-out advice from every parent I came in contact with and turned to my family for guidance. The advice I heard most was that he needed a firmer hand and that his persistent, difficult, obstinate, picky, personality required spanking.

So with a heavy heart I tried it. I made an agreement with myself that after two weeks I’d reevaluate the situation. A week into it and I realized my family had turned upside down. My household was so angry and on edge. The look in my son’s eyes seemed to change, but his behavior had not. It wasn’t working and I became extremely depressed. As a stay at home mother I felt like a complete failure!

A couple of close friends suggested I contact a behavior specialist. With nothing to lose I made the call. I signed our family up for PCIT, Parent Child Interactive Therapy. I learned that my son’s challenging personality traits are the buds of an amazing, persistent, devoted, diligent, strong leader. The trick is to nurture these traits, teach him how to control them without damaging them.

So I traded in my angry spanking hand for sticky sweetness: I began to call my son, “Darling” before I yelled or started in on him; this gave me a moment of pause to remind myself I love both my boys and I need to provide a life lesson here. Next, I started using positive discipline and imagery. For example, when my little one would jump on the couch I would say to him, “Darling, please put your bum on the couch.” Instead of “DAMNIT, DON’T JUMP ON THE COUCH!” To my amazement he listened! I learned the anger in my voice and negative energy was like crack to him, so if I removed it he wasn’t getting a “fix”!

It wasn’t easy in the beginning and every day continues to be a challenge. Trying to distract or offer positive suggestions and remain patient with a determined five-year old and a newly sarcastic twelve-year old is no easy task. But we have more good days than bad days anymore and I’ve been able to cut back on my antacids, anti-depressant meds and alcohol intake!

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