The Unfettered Critic – August 2025

AS DEDICATED Entertainment Geeks, we’ve reviewed movies, music, plays, weather, books, dogs, and, of course, TV. It seems the only topic we haven’t appraised is TV commercials.

Until now.

The commercials that (unfortunately) stick with us the most come from Big Pharma, possibly because they shell out Big Bucks to create jingles from popular songs that already have infiltrated our brains, insuring minimal subsequent resistance to earworms. Think about the last time you heard Pilot’s “Oh, Oh, Oh, It’s Magic,” The Jackson Five’s “ABC, One Two, Three,” or Annie’s famous “Tomorrow” refrain. It probably wasn’t on the radio—it was during a commercial for diabetes, or heart failure, or foot fungus.

These Pharma ads always include a bit about the product’s purpose and (some of) its side-affects. Sorta like this:

“Ahhchooga is a contrapro medication used for the treatment of major mode scaling. As a receptor mimic, it assists in regulating the natural hormones that pepper the brain modules embedded in your hydradrome quadrant as compiled by the G-clef. It works by stimulating the side-strokes common in coordinating your doctor’s functional schedule adjustments.

“Ahhchooga is indicated for the treatment of incisor incisions, or possibly, indecisions. While certainly counterintuitive, the patient may continue vacillating between laminate, tile, granite or, in extreme cases, stainless steel.

“Ahhchooga is a weekend injection best administered under the direction of a specialist, rather than that guy in the ‘82 Oldsmobile lurking in the alley behind the club.

“Tell your healthcare provider if you get a lump or swelling in your ego, horsiness of the face, trouble swallowing opposing views, or shortness of cash. These may be symptoms of extreme political perspective, or a need for long-overdue bathing.

“In studies with rats, Ahhchooga has exacerbated the likelihood of male-pattern baldness in both male and female subjects, although an opposing viewpoint by J.K. Rowling has not been substantiated.

“Do not take Ahhchooga if you or any member of your family has had an urge to see Ted Nugent in concert, or if you have experienced eternal sunshine of the spotless mind following that urge.

“If suffering a burning sensation caused by UTI (Urania, Terpsichore, Iapetus), note that Urania is the Muse of Astronomy, Terpsichore the Muse of Dance, and, for the first time in your life, look up Iapetus because even though he’s also known as Titan, you never learned that about him because the only burning sensation you felt while in high school didn’t involve looking up anything other than skirts.

“If you become pregnant while taking Ahhchooga, your upcoming child’s initial utterance may be ‘Gesundheit.’ This does not, however, indicate that the child will become bi-lingual (or ‘bi’ anything else, if the thought concerns you).

If you are breastfeeding, it is recommended that you speak to your provider. For those with male-pattern baldness who wish to be breastfeeding, speak to your paramour.

“Ahhchooga may cause a drop in blood pressure if you stand suddenly. To prevent this, take care to stand slowly and, if you feel dizzy, sit back down, then take your time getting up again. These vertical changes should not be confused with the back and forth movement known as ‘The Hokey Pokey’ (See ‘Terpsichore’ above).

“You may feel unwell if you suddenly stop taking Ahhchooga. This is called ‘going cold turkey,’ although it’s more pleasant when involving cranberry sauce (the whole berry kind, please). It is not possible to predict who will be adversely affected, so the manufacturer recommends that you reduce your medication very slowly over a period of time in a process known as ‘tapering,’ or, more accurately, ‘profiteering.’”