Soul Matters – June 2024

I RECENTLY HAD A BIRTHDAY. A big one. An “oof” one. Birthdays are a mini, private New Year’s event; you tend to review the past and think about your dreams for the future. In my contemplations leading up to the day, I discovered, to my chagrin and unhappiness, that my future imaginings almost always come saddled with doubt: each happy thought tarred and feathered with all the imagined reasons why it probably won’t come to pass.

Doubt is a wretched thing. It is the destroyer of dreams. I understand that psychologically, doubt can serve as a sort of emotional defense: having been hurt or disappointed in the past, we try to hedge against future pain. (“Better not to try than try and fail” sort of thinking.) Unfortunately, doubt doesn’t necessarily protect us from pain; it just takes the wind out of our dreamy sails and shifts the trajectory of possibility. Once doubt snooters its way into your hopes and wishes, everything changes. Or, in the words of quantum physicist Max Plank, “When you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

Literally.

Doubt changes the way you look at things. The dream that felt delightful and exciting can, in the presence of doubt, begin to fade into the middle distance. In the span of a moment, your dream becomes an unattainable wish, a fantasy. But here’s the thing: nothing external changed. The only thing that changed were your thoughts, and our thoughts determine our trajectory.

Let’s say (just off the top of my head) that I have a dream of living in Italy. Thinking about it makes me feel all fizzy inside. I smile as I imagine sitting in a beautiful piazza, lovely drink in hand, charming companion by my side. So I begin to follow interesting sites on social media about life in Italy. I start to learn some Italian. I think about month-long stays and read about expat experiences. I’m building on my dream. My thoughts are based in possibility, and I am beginning to act on those thoughts. I am on a path of manifestation. It feels exciting. With my thoughts, I am creating my (future) world.

And then doubt sneaks in. Sensing I am on a course for a vast unknown, it tries to protect me. It says things like, “This is just a pipe dream. You’ll be lonely. You’re too old to learn a new language. This is too complicated. What about the dogs,” and on and on. It casts its pall over my lovely vision and now I am dispirited and discouraged. I stop learning my new phrases. I tell myself it’s a nice fantasy. I change the way I am looking at my dream, and my dream changes. So does my trajectory. So does my life. All roads do not lead to Rome.

Doubt and delight reside in the mind. Italy can happen, or not. The great idea, the dream, the hope, the belief, the wish… whatever it is, it’s largely up to you. We choose whether to follow our dream or follow our doubt.

That we have the ability to choose our thoughts is very good news, because if we don’t like our thoughts, we can change them. We can look at our doubts and examine their validity. We can acknowledge our fear of being hurt or disappointed without letting those things derail our dream. We can address the challenges and move ahead. And when doubt whispers, “What happens if it doesn’t work out?” we can reply, “Yes, but what if it does?

KATE INGRAM, MA, CSBC, is a coach, counselor, award-winning author and lover of all things Italian: of that there is no doubt. Find out more at kintsugicoaching.com.