Family Views – November 2014

I enjoy observing and learning from parents of all ages and stages. I’m fascinated as I study the unique ways they organize, educate, and inspire their families. After years of doing this, I’ve identified some distinct stages of parenting and some very clear difference between rookie and veteran moms you may find interesting, educational, familiar and, hopefully entertaining!

The first stage, aptly named stage one, is like the honeymoon phase for both mommas. All newly-pregnant mothers glow, and smile meaningfully as they consider gender, nursery colors, and name combinations while tenderly stroking the bump. The difference between moms in this stage is rookie moms are eager and excited to set up their baby registry. They research everything there is to know about the latest and greatest learning toys, convertible furniture, strollers, car seats and they know all there is to know about safety ratings. Veteran moms will borrow, renew or reuse anything to avoid establishments that end in ‘R Us.

Once baby arrives, stage 2 begins. This is the action/reality stage, AKA the fog. For the rookie mom it’s time to put everything she’s read about and all the advice and equipment received to work. However, it can be confusing and overwhelming when baby doesn’t respond; the actual what and how to do gets mixed-up with the when and the where with extreme sleep deprivation. Around this time, rookie mom may worry that there’s something seriously wrong: maybe baby is broken and/or she fears she may be incapable.

The good news is the fog doesn’t last forever. The differences between moms in stage 2 is that veteran’s have experienced the fog, they know that one day they will wake up to the sun shining, air that feels fresh and clean and they know that the fog has lifted. Rookie moms tend to get trapped longer only because they cannot help it, they are rookies. Rookie mom, unfortunately, there is no avoiding it and no amount of preparation or assistance can clear the fog any faster; all you can do is go with it, don’t lose hope!

Special Note: All parents have to be careful in the fog, bouncing off the walls can be dangerous. Dealing with one thing, baby, day after day, without focusing on anything else, including personal hygiene, personal needs or what’s happening in the outside world can be difficult to recover from. It can leave you stuck in the fog a lot longer than what you may be able to tolerate.

Once the fog lifts, stage three begins; how a mom navigates stage three depends solely upon whether she’s a rookie or a veteran. Rookie moms typically will only emerge when they have to and they are prepared for anything because they tote everything. They are organized, put together, their baby is well-groomed and their outfits tend to coordinate with one another. Rookie mom wants the world to know she’s got this so she and baby look good doing it.

The veteran mom may also go out only when necessary; however, when she does, she’s not worried about forgetting anything. She carries only the bare essentials in an oversized purse or stuffed in a second child’s tote and she keeps an emergency stash in the center console of the car. Veteran mom does not use baby as an accessory, her outfit is adorned with milk stains and or dried/crusty bits of graham cracker, (strategically smeared on her sleeves or around her knees, depending upon the age/size of her other child). Veteran mom is confident, she doesn’t explain herself, the situation is obvious; therefore, she carries hand wipes and sports a scarf.

Between stages 3-4 is when temper tantrums begin. Rookie moms tend to manage public tantrums according to the textbook: they make every effort to redirect or compromise with their child as they nervously smile towards onlookers. Whereas veteran moms tend to change gears, pick-up the pace, ignore the tantrum, along with all observers and continue to go about their business as if nothing was happening; if the errand doesn’t get done now it may not ever get done.

Stage four is when rookie moms sign their child up for any and every learning enrichment, sport, dance or music development class they can find and afford. They’re eager to support their child’s interests and can’t wait to find out if little darling has a special gift or natural talent that requires immediate development. A veteran mom knows how short-lived most of those interests are, so when the parks & rec flier arrives in the mail they swiftly deposit it into the recycling bin while saying a small prayer, “Lord, please give me one more year before I have to endure…uh, I mean commit, to all that again!”

When it seems unnatural to clarify your child’s age in months or they begin school is when those early stages are officially over. Both moms have mixed emotions over this transition. Both are thankful for the independence that comes with an older child, but both miss how easy it was to get a belly laugh with a silly face, make ouchies all better with hugs and kisses or wish they had just a little more time to make-up for a missed opportunity.

Advice to mommas of all ages and stages: Time moves fast and somehow kids grow even faster…be present and thankful for every moment.