Family Views – by Michelle Hensman

A couple of years back, my son tried out for an elite, exclusive athletic team. He was the star player on his previous team in Nevada, and was, therefore full of confidence and certain he would make the cut. As such, he didn’t bother to work-out or practice any drills. Although we were not entirely surprised; he was up against some very talented kids, he was of course shocked and dismayed when he didn’t receive a congratulatory phone call.

The whole concept of a “Try-Out” was completely foreign to him. Although he excelled at the sport in the past, the fact was he was used to everyone making the team and playing. This was his first experience with true competition and the agony of personal defeat. You would have thought the world had ended…

He proceeded to go through what I call the six stages of an Early Adolescent Reality Check:

Denial—“How could this have possibly happened to me?” “Don’t they know who I am!?”

Blame—“I had a bad day!” “That other guy messed up and made me look bad!” “The sun was in my eyes!” “I was feeling sick!” “My equipment was old!” “Why didn’t you practice more with me?”

Bargaining—“Mom, please call the coach and ask him to give me another chance.” “Can we move so I can play for another team?”

Anger—“I didn’t even want to play for that coach; I heard he only plays favorites!” “All the guys that made the team are jerks!” “I hate this game and I never want to play it again!”

Depression—“I can’t do anything right.” “I’m such a loser.” “Now I’ll never be cool, no one will ever like me and I’ll never have another friend.”

Acceptance—“I’m not naturally perfect and amazing at everything.” “If I want to be good at something I’ll have to work hard at it.”

Stage 5 typically lasts the longest and can be miserable for the entire family. This was certainly the case for us. Of course we tried to help our son get a handle on his new reality. We reminded him of all the other wonderful things that he’s good at and emphasized that practicing will help him to improve his skills. We even offered to send him to a summer camp or set-up private lessons. Nothing we did or said seemed to help.

In an effort to pull him out of the dreadful stage 5 funk he was wallowing in and lift his spirits, we took him to his favorite restaurant, let him order anything he wanted, (even soda with refills!), and had a very candid conversation with him. We explained that up until now he’s been on an even, “everyone gets a chance and everyone is a winner” playing field, but life isn’t really like that. To be successful at something takes, practice, dedication and yes, even defeat. In fact, it’s through loss that you really learn about your true self and understand your passion because you will either: get up, dust yourself off, learn from your errors and continue on or put it behind you and walk away.

Our dinner was coming to an end, so to finalize our point and close the conversation, my husband said, “Son, we all need a good slice of humble pie from time to time.” With indignation in his eyes, our son replied, “I know you’re just trying to help, but I don’t think pie is going to make me feel better this time!” After a long pause, his eyes softened and he asked, “Wait, is there chocolate in humble pie?”