Consider this -Everything that parents learn during the process of potty training is everything they need to know to navigate through the adolescent years: Just when you think you’ve communicated your wishes and confirmed the message was received, you’re cleaning up another mess – that’s life with an adolescent!

Let me explain: Your little darling turns two, as a good parent you believe it’s time to start implementing the potty training routine. You make all the necessary purchases: a mini, colorful commode, dazzling new princess or marvel unders, a toy that sits gleaming on top of the refrigerator; a special reward for that first successful day. Six months later that gleaming toy is full of dust and you are on the verge of transitioning into Crazy Mom/Dad as you ask your toddler, “Why did you go in the toy bin and not in the potty…again?!” Little darling innocently shrugs.

The reason is that the majority of toddlers are not physically ready to be potty trained at two. Babies are born with only so many nerves, as their bodies grow so do many new nerves; specifically the nerves that sense and control the reflexes that are needed to make piddle and boom-boom happen at will in the potty! In fact the nerves and pathways are not typically connected until around the age of three for most toddlers.

Surprisingly the same is true for adolescents and even young adults. New neural pathways and connections which make for faster critical thinking and reasoning skills do not become fully operational until the early twenties. This means that adolescents must rely on their underdeveloped or inexperienced instincts rather than implementing good judgment. Therefore, adolescents/young adults in this age group (13-23) are more prone to risky, dangerous behavior because they are making decisions based on emotions rather than logic. Which explains why a couple of local adolescents thought it would perfectly “boss” to double up on a long board and ride down the Jacksonville cemetery hill, in shorts, without pads or helmets. When caught and confronted with, “WTH were you thinking…AGAIN?!” Little darlings, (you know who you are), simply shrug.

What’s difficult for parents and adolescents alike is the conflicts that develop as little darling’s higher reasoning and critical thinking skills begin to come on line. They develop a strong drive to utilize these new found skills and prove to themselves and their parents they are capable. However, as parents with all our knowledge and experience know bad things happen and its difficult to  get the vision of visiting little darling in the hospital where he/she is laying, unmoving in full traction, eating lunch through a tube out of our heads! It’s a recurring vision that sometimes couples with memories of our own poor decision making teen selves. Like when little darling asks to borrow the car for an unsupervised date night. To which we   enthusiastically reply, “Really? Remember the cemetery hill incident? How do I know you’re going to wear your seat belt, maintain the speed limit, or adhere to traffic signals?” And emphatically add, “OH! And for the record I am not ready to be a grandparent!” (I won’t go there, it’s a family column).

So what’s a parent to do? Understanding where children are with their cognitive development is the best way to determine how much and what type of decision making they are ready for. Research suggests that an authoritative parenting style which establishes firm, clear limits, maintains consistent responsiveness and communication, and utilizes reasoning together with emotional support is more successful at encouraging the healthy development of identity, responsibility and ultimately independence. While relinquishing control and decision making can be difficult and nerve wracking at times, poor a glass of wine and consider one of my favorite quotes from Honest Abraham Lincoln, “You cannot build character and courage by taking away a man’s initiative and independence.”

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